iohelix

a video I found of the berry while organizing the gigantic pictures folder on my computer

you can almost see her train of thought here…

I was taking the trash out–and really what better place to have an epiphany than near the dumpster–when I walked through our parking spot, which was void of the RAV.  A car I have loved owning, mainly because of it’s reliability.  Not seeing it in the stall threw me fast forward into the realm of all things Slovak and the reality of this, some would say, bizarro move we are making.  Knots of excitement and nerves immediately tied up in my stomach.  I asked myself, again, “why are we moving?”  Was I unhappy about something?  Was I running away from something, running towards something?  I then contemplated what in my life was of discontent.  What in my life was I unhappy about?

The truth ran me over in the parking lot: nothing.

Holy hell, nothing!?! really!?!

I feel like my entire life I have been striving to be happy with what I have now, this moment.  There has always been something that was going to make me happy, when I finally got it.  Something was always standing in my way of real happiness, some struggle or inner unrest that kept me from being at peace.  Now though, now, there is nothing in front of me, nothing but icing on the cake.  I felt like I was moving through the thought of some watered down version of ascension or enlightenment, since this is not what I imagined it would feel like, in the cold, near the dumpster. The idea of ascension, of course, made me think of Stargate SG-1 (hey, I’m deep, what can I say?).  I thought, that was a good show, I miss that show.  Aha! Something I wanted, more episodes of a sci-fi TV show.  Go figure!

so the little one is super ornery tonight, and was screaming bloody murder while I got her undressed for the evening ritual (bottle, bath, book, bed).  I was planning on skipping the first three and putting her straight in her jammies, and getting her to sleep as soon as possible, but chels said that I should give her a bath, that it might soothe her.  it made a little bit of sense, so I told chelsea to start a bath, and finished undressing skye.  I put her in the bath, and she was calm for only a moment before she started screaming again.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I looked in her mouth at her bottom gums, and noticed something that was different from all of the other times I checked when chelsea cried “teething”…  there was a discoloration, in a straight line, in the middle of her gums, about where one of her bottom teeth would be, if she had any. It was sunk in a bit, and kinda grayish, like there was a tooth just below the surface.

Holy crap…  she’s teething.

despite what I’ve said before about how I don’t want her to get teeth because it will change how she looks and she won’t be the same…  I’m kinda excited that she is teething getting teeth (not so much excited for the teething part of it).

I don’t know why, but when I saw that, I immediately saw her in a different light, she is no longer a baby, she is a little girl.

I just wish it didn’t have to happen on my watch…

The fragrance of bananas on tiny hands when they are smooshing my nose.

Nonexistent personal space filled with small, dark eyes when they are inches from mine at 2am.

Endearing meltdowns when she just sits pouting at the injustice of it all.

Stuffy nose snoring through the baby monitor that sends me off to sleep.

Any one of a million different, toothless smiles.

Spending the last hour listening to the sounds of a 7 month old talking to herself.

Becoming the playground to be crawled over, sat on and toppled over.

Long, quiet walks.

Daily pulling of my lips, sticking her fingers in my nostrils and jabbing my eyes.

At times, being the only one she wants, until I hold her and she pushes away.

No matter how completely draining today may have been, I always look forward to doing it all again tomorrow.

I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about the outcome of Proposition 8. But every time I do, I feel really sad for all of those families out there that can’t have the same civil liberties as everyone else; for all of the loved ones out there that have to be validated by someone else living hundreds of miles away; that other people’s prejudice and discrimination has a say in the way other people live and love.

The issue itself is either a moral or civil rights one, depending on which camp you reside, but for the life of me, I really, really, really don’t understand how one group can decide on the morality of another when the former is not causing any harm to anyone else. In every morality case I can think of – abortion, capital punishment, murder, theft, the guy cheating on his wife – someone else is getting hurt. But this, this just doesn’t make sense to me.

People that say “I don’t hate gay people, they just shouldn’t be allowed to get married”, um, excuse me, do you not see the hypocrisy in that statement, the hidden, subtle spite that you perpetuate? It makes me sad that hatred, ignorance and bigotry still has a huge place in people’s hearts.

There was only one decision that I can think of that determined events:  My decision to leave the mold of Utah State and Cache Valley.  God wasn’t fixing my early 20′s unrest – and why should it be so easy – so I left all I knew.  Followed my gut and left what I no longer held near and dear.  To start fresh, I wanted to work somewhere with what my interests were at the time.  This happened to be astronomy and so naturally I went and applied at the Hansen Planetarium.    I even remember thinking at the time that I was pondering leaving Cache Valley, What If My Husband Is In SLC?

The fugitive entered my life in the fall of 1997. :)

Recap: got in trouble, community service at Hansen Planetarium.

So I finished the portion of my community service that I could do at the planetarium (there was a rule that said you couldn’t do them all in one place, or something like that), and had a few hours left, so I helped out the Forest Service.  A few months later, after I was done with that, I went back to the planetarium, and asked my boss there if I could have a job, and they agreed and hired me on the spot.  So I was working at the planetarium, hanging out, and met a girl.

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Not much I can say, just watch the video.

Chelsea shot this video the other day, and showed it to me yesterday.

I love the ending where she keeps turning around… just… one… more… time.

Recap: I had just found raves.

So, not long after my first rave (and I had been going to every single one every weekend since), around spring of ’95, I was at Confetti’s (which was open every Friday and Saturday nights, but Saturday nights were the raves, so we usually went to the club on Friday, discussed the logistics of the rave the next night, and then would pre-party at Confetti’s on Saturday until the rave started at midnight, which would make a large portion of the people at Confetti’s disappear, but back to the story…), and had met a couple of new people there, named Ben and Andy.  They were both cousins, and we were talking, and hanging out, then I left for the rave as I usually did around midnight.  Funny thing… I saw them at the rave, which made them even more likable.  We began to hang out, and became very good friends, and they introduced me to several more people, namely Josh, and Angie.

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Now that I have a YouTube account, and can post videos, I’m posting this one.  It’s old, but I still love it.

Chalk this one up to being new parents, and not really knowing how to do it.

It’s still cute though.

She was 6 days old in this video, and we made tons of newbie parent mistakes, but I gush every time I see it.