iohelix

So our dear baby Skye is 2 weeks old. How can I possibly describe what she means to us? After everything we have been through, she is finally here and an absolute perfect doll. The love we feel for her is limitless and we simply can’t stop looking, hugging, kissing and touching her. She loves snuggly time, specifically tummy time on my or daddy’s chest. If it were up to her, she’d be held 24/7, and we’d probably comply if it were at all possible. She sleeps most of the time, but does have moments after eating of alertness where she’ll just slowly blink and investigate the new world around her through her dark, smoky eyes. She eats bottle-fed breast milk every 1-4 hours, which makes night time long and enduring. But even then, it’s special time just being with her. She makes it impossible to be frustrated with, even in moments of screeching crying sessions or when she dirties a diaper that was just changed, or better yet, pee’s on the diaper currently being changed. She has a small voice she uses as squeaks and squeals whether she’s sleeping or trying to wriggle a free arm from daddy’s award-winning swaddle, which she loves, by the way. She’s also found her tongue, although, whether she knows what to do with it is another idea. She makes the most adorable mouth gestures, flipping her tongue in and out of her mouth, or forming large O’s with her lips or suckling the air just to reaffirm that she does know how to do so. She is vaguely aware of her arms and legs, stretching them straight outward whenever they are set free or attempting to grab something, anything. She can’t hold her head up yet, but don’t tell her that.

I don’t even know where to start right now, it’s just so crazy, it’s like there is so much love that I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I find myself on the verge of tears at least a couple of times a day, and all because of this little bundle of person that I helped create and now have to deal with.  The sleep thing is a little annoying, but I’m hoping that it will be worth it later on, but it’s so hard to see right now through all the confusing emotion and worry.  Worry like I’ve never had before, it fills my entire day, I worry about things that most likely will never happen, but if they were to, would completely crush both me and Chels, and I’m pretty sure would cause a rift to come between us that we would never be able to fix, so not only would I lose the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, but I would lose the other most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

It’s so hard to even put into words what I feel, I feel intense love for Skye, and it almost makes me sick.  And at the same time, I feel the most intense worry.  worry that someday I might not be around to see her grow, and be there for her, but I take a little solace in the fact that if anything were to ever happen to me, that she would know through these journals, and through family telling her, how much I loved here when I was here.

I don’t know why I keep thinking that something is going to happen, it’s like everything is too good to be true, and it can’t happen for me, and that the universe must be off kilter because it has happened, and now that it has, I have no idea what to do.   I feel like sometimes, I just need to leave her for just a while so that I can regain some of what I had before she arrived, and I don’t mean that she has mad me give up things in my life, which if things go as they have been going, she may very well do just that…   but I mean that I just want to get away from these crazy intense emotions that are turning me into a complete wreck.  I don’t know what to do with all this love, I’ve never felt love like this before, and I certainly don’t know what to do with all this worry.  It feels like I’m being torn in two by these two very powerful emotions, and my body just doesn’t know how to react to them.

It’s going to be extremely difficult to go back to work, I can already see myself worrying about her all day, and not even being able to work.  I have no doubts about Chelsea’s ability as a mother, but there are things that I can’t control when I’m not here that really bother me, like what if Chelsea falls down the stairs while holding her?  What if Chelsea steps away for two seconds and Sam does something?  What if Skye chokes on her spit while they are taking an afternoon nap?

These are the kinds of things that cause me to revert to my anxiety attack feelings.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, and it doesn’t really take away the feelings to get them out, if anything, it makes them more clear, more distinct.

I just hope that everything is fine until Skye is around 2 or 3 (not that I want anything to happen when she’s 2 or 3…).  Then maybe I’ll stop worrying so much…

It’s the fragility that really gets me.  How petite, and tiny, and fragile she is, how she might get hurt by the littlest things.  I worry that I might break her little arm trying to get her shirt on, or get her finger stuck in a sleeve and break one of those tiny little fingers.

Who the hell let me have a kid?  I’m not ready for this, I never was, never thought I was, and don’t think I ever will be.

I may appear to be good at it, but I’m faking my ass off right now, just doing the things that I think I should be doing, all the while, freaking out inside.

I don’t know if I will ever let Skye read this, maybe when she’s old enough and is having kids of her own, I’ll give this to her, and show her that everybody freaks out a little.  But by then, maybe I will be better, more ready.  Maybe not.

Skye Alison Welker was born April 2, 2008 at the University of Utah hospital via c-section. She was 5lb. 12oz. and 19 inches long.

So last Tuesday, April 1, we went to our scheduled OB appointment. We all concluded that with the mild pre-eclampsia (high BP, swelling) and IUGR and low AFI, that it was time to deliver! Today. Right now. Go upstairs and be admitted.

Yikes.

We had been waiting for this moment forever, but when she said that, my stomach dropped a few levels. We walked hand in hand to the elevators and up to the second floor to Labor and Delivery. We were both giddy and excited and scared and nervous and pale and sweaty and shaky. We got checked into our room. It was a very strange moment walking in to that room, knowing we would be leaving with our baby girl. It was just an ordinary room, like a hotel room really, with the exception of medical equipment and a baby warmer station in the corner. They showed us in and left us for a minute, told me to get undressed to be hooked to the monitors and basically assume my position in the bed. Benjam and I shared nervous chit-chat about finally being here and what we were about to finally go through, not having the slightest idea what to expect. At this point, we were both fairly remiss about not taking any sort of birthing class. But that time had passed and now we just had to deal with our ignorance and regrettable decision. We made a few phone calls to let people know of the new development and what the plan of action was. Read the rest of this entry »